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2004-06-06 - 1:52 p.m.

I needed to take a couple of weeks to think about this, and I still don't know what to make of it. I tried writing a little while ago about this but my browser crashed, which probably isn't a good sign.

I had sex with M. Yes, my best friend.

It started out simple enough. After partying at a bar, her former place of employment, we decided I'd crash at her place. We were both tired, and weren't even thinking about partying any more, so we just sat and talked before we went to sleep.

She's having a real hard time right now. She lost her new job at another bar. It seems the owner places video cameras everywhere and spies on the place, and caught her having a drink on the job. M new about it, she just gambled that her boss wouldn't be looking at the time. She lost.

She also has another job at one of those rotating parties. Unfortunately, she sometimes has seizures, and she had one at that job, it was mild, but she couldn't work, and wound up taking tickets at the door. It was a job, but not the bucks she'd make as a bartender. She was counting on that money. She hasn't paid rent in a couple of months. Luckily she has a cool landlord.

She was upset and started crying I held her, talked to her, tried to be supportive. As we lay in bed together, I told her I'd do what I can to help her. We spooned, and woke up that way.

I think she appreciated it. We've slept together many times before, so it wasn't a big deal to me. We got up, cleaned up as much as possible and went out to another bar in Bernal Heights for a drink and brunch later. Well, that was the plan, but we later decided to take a taxi to Harvey's in the Castro. We ate there, and went out to Badlands for a while.

Starting your day with a drink makes you burn out fast, so we were ready to go home. While thinking about getting a cab, she asked me if I wanted to hang in a hot tub or a sauna. I said sure, it would be cool way to relax. It was Sunday, and I was thinking about the work week ahead. I suggested the Hot Tubs on Van Ness, so we rode out there and got a room.

We both stripped and climbed in the tub. After a while, she asked for a neck/back rub, and I obliged. She then gave me a back rub, using her entire body. That's when things started to get crazy. After I started again, she finally turned and kissed me. Okay, this is something different I thought and just went with it. I never saw this passionate side of her, and it was kind of cool, and kind of scary.

Well, with all the drinks and blow, let's just say I wasn't performing as well as I could. After a while I gave her oral, for a long time. The next day my tongue and neck were both sore. It was quite amusing - the guy at the front desk kept calling to give us a ten minute warning, and we kept asking for more time. I was hot, sweaty, raunchy and nuts.

She was worried, she told me, that I would get freaked out by this. I wasn't, and promised that I would be cool with it.

We haven't spoken about it since then, but on Memorial day we both went out for a drink and some food. We got back to her place, talked about stuff, and it just got kind of quiet and weird for a moment. The phone rang, and a friend of hers was coming over. It was kind of a relief for me. I asked her if she wanted me to get lost, and she said no. Her friend came over, and after doing a couple of lines, we went over to the bar on Treat Street to chat.

Her friend left, and I walked M home. I took off to pay rent, walking down 24th and catching the 49 uptown bus. On the way, she called me, and told me I should have left. I apologized, and agreed that next time I'd just go and not ask. I guess M, felt bad, and wouldn't just tell her friend to leave her place. Why was she being honest now? Was it easier on the phone?

Anwway, we talked most of the time I was on the bus, as I got off, paid my rent, and waited for the 49 southbound. She just wanted to talk a lot, I guess, but finally, I thought about asking her if I should head back to her place. I was almost there.

But I didn't. I wasn't sure if I was afraid she'd say no and get weird, or if I was just being cautious. Having her as a friend is really important to me, and doing anything to ruin that would ruin me. And probably her. She doesn't feel she has too many friends, real friends right now, and that's way more important than sex.

If that's the case, then why did I intentionally chat up a woman at Clooney's the other night? Was I trying to make her jealous? I know that she doesn't like it, but what's going on under the hood. I must be crazy. That woman gave me her phone number and suggested we have dinner sometime. I don't know if I will.

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