I recently worked through a short period of impotence. It was strange. Of course, the desire was there, but I just couldn't perform the act of penetration.

Part of me knows that penetration isn't everything, but there's always going to be a part of me that feels embarrassed and frustrated about it. In any case, the last two love-making sessions were awesome. One time while V was on top, I just felt the need to reach around and feel the shaft of my penis moving back and forth. It was such a rush.

For me, though, the question lingers. Why? Why do I have trouble sometimes? I can just shrug it off and say it's part of getting older, but I know some of it is psychological as well.

Cheating perhaps, but have I cheated when I'm in a wonderful, but open relationship. Is it a relationship without commitment? I know I love V, but her anxieties about our committing to each other is taking a toll on both of us. A few weeks ago, I slept with M. Yes, that M, the proclaimed lesbian that sleeps with men.

I couldn't perform then, and I think it was a sign that something was wrong with what I was doing. Of course, the alcohol and cocaine probably didn't help. I especially felt guilty the next morning when I heard my cell phone ringing. It has run several times, and it was V. She was having a rough time, and she needed me. Where was I? Naked at M's place. Not a good thing, but it's open, so I shouldn't feel bad.

But the truth is, I love V. I can even see myself growing old with her. I walk through her house and wonder what my life would be like with her as I age. I confessed that to her once, and I know it touched her deeply.

Some part of her doesn't trust me, however. Maybe she's right not to trust me. I often don't trust myself. I continue to feel lingering doubts about my ability to commit. I see an attractive person on the street, in a bar, while shopping at the supermarket, and I feel a hunger I can't satisfy. I met this attractive woman once, when V and I was just starting our whole affair.

My friend J set me up, and he knew it. He could tell she was attracted to me, and had this long, wonderful conversation with her. I even took her number, but I never called her. I don't know where that number is now, and I don't want to. Well, then why did I just spend a few minutes looking for it?

Such melodrama. I always felt that it was beneath me, but I know better now.

So here I am, still wondering why I sometimes have trouble performing. I started my Zinc dietary supplements. Maybe that had something to do with it? Did you know that oysters contain zinc? Maybe that's why I crave those oysters at El Rio every Friday evening.

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