Oh, great, just what I wanted to do. I got into one of the stupidest arguments of my life with M last night. Sure it started out okay, but it just started to get weird at some point, and in the end we just argued and argued about something silly. Of course, the real nature of the argument was our friendship, the sex we had, and this new relationship I was in, but it was so hard to get to the heart of it all.

This is so high school, but I got a hickie from V, my new girlfriend. Not a big deal, really, but my friends have noticed it, and they�ve made some comments about it. Anyway, M and I were having dinner at Panchitas on 22nd Street, and things were going well, until she asked me about the hickie. Of course, as always, the first question was �guy or girl.� I told her it was a girl, the same girl I�ve been with for nearly two months now, and that I was pretty serious about her. She then started asking me some pretty pointed questions about how we met, who she was, and I felt like I was being interrogated.

We then touched on us. What happened, and how it didn�t mean anything. She told me the only reason it happened was because she was drunk. I accepted that. I had long placed that event in the back of my mind as just another romp. I decided a long time ago that I loved her, but I didn�t love her. I told her that, and things only seemed to get worse.

Does she love me? If she did, or does, then why didn�t she ever tell me? Anyway, it started getting a little better, until I offered to show her a picture of V. That�s when it got ugly, because she insisted that V looked like her. I didn�t like what that implied. I really don�t think she does, other than that they are both Mexican and brunettes.

But as I�ve thought more about it, she just had to do that, she just had to prove some kind of point about things. She wants to think she has some kind of power over me. It made me really sad, to see someone I care about suddenly act so petty and bitter. I really thought I could keep our friendship, but it all just seemed to fall apart right there. I wanted to tell her I thought I had the right to pursue love, and so does she. We can�t spend our lives on bar stools, looking out for the next party, just to spend the next morning and afternoons recovering from our latest hangover, and then do it all over again the next night. It just doesn�t work.

But maybe, maybe there�s so much more. I never shared why M is so special to me, besides her friendship and support over the last two years. A long time ago, M confessed that she had been molested, by her older brother, when she was a very young child. I have had other friends who have gone through similar experiences. I had a roommate, A, who I lived with for four years. I could always feel the pain coming off of him. His life was stuck � he just couldn�t move on. The whole four years I lived with him, every night was the same. He�d come home from work, have some dinner, and watch TV all night, until he woke up and did it all over again. He�d sit there, biting his nails, I could always tell something was eating him.

Then there was T. He was raped by his own dad. For some mysterious reason, he met J. Believe it or not, she was a victim, too. Her own brother molested her. The difference between these three was that they sought help. You can�t do it alone. M won�t seek help. She�d rather plunge herself into night after night of drinking and drugs. I realized a long time ago that I couldn�t help her. That wound is too deep � when your own family violates your trust at that level, it�s just too fundamental. It�s hard to have relationships, to trust people, the anger and the rage just sits within you.

So, that�s why I�m really mad at myself. I was friends with M, and I crossed the line, now I am moving on, and she resents it. Friends are supposed to help one another. Friends are supposed to help stop friends from making mistakes. But blame the alcohol, whatever, we crossed the line, and we can�t go back. I can�t help but wonder if I�m yet another guy who betrayed her trust. Even if I don�t think I am, I can�t help what she perceives, and that�s what�s killing me right now.

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