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2004-05-16 - 8:51 p.m.

Well, sorry about being so angry and sad last time, but it just seems to be my mood as of late.

I went to a rosary for my friend J. It was so sad seeing him lie there in his casket. It just doesn't seem real to me - I kept expecting him to just get up. For the first time in my life, death seems so real. He was only fifty one.

On another note, after some serious hunting, I finally found and watched the video footage of Nicholas Berg's murder. It's not that I was actively seeking footage of real death, I just felt I had to confront what's going on in the world, to see the real effects of hate, both christian and muslim hate. When will it end?

It was horrible watching him as he was beheaded. After all the years of watching violent movies, it just didn't look real, but here it was, a man was having his head cut off with a knife, alive, screaming. Then they raised his head up for view. What a world....

If you want to see it, just hunt it down through google. Just be aware that it takes a lot of work to download it, because there are thousands of people hitting the same website you're trying to access. In fact, it's been clogging networks everywhere and has caused some servers to shut down. Another option is to use a file-sharing program, like limewire or kazaa. Just be aware that there are now a lot of fakes being floated out there.

I don't know where this will take public opinion. I was against the war before it, and my opinion hasn't changed, but I've been reading some scary things on conservative boards, like "kill them all," and other awful stuff.

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