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2004-07-15 - 4:20 p.m.

So, things should be going great. Why aren't they? I forget just hour much work these things are. There are so many insecuities involved as well. With each new relationship, we bring just a little more baggage than the last time, and all it leads to are long conversations where two people try to figure each other out. With each one, more of ourselves are revealed.

Well, not with me. And as we've progressed, I've really begun to see inside of myself, and I'm finding things I don't like. That's really hard to go through as you get older, and realie that you need to work on yourself, that you're not "done." Not at all...

I've begun to understand that I'm not a completely honest person. I don't lie - I just don't tell everything. I don't discuss my bisexuality with my coworkers, and only tell them the stuff they'd like to hear. I don't discuss my politics that often, since I have to admit that they're way out of the mainstream, they just might freakk people out. I don't say everything about my past, because I've made a lot of mistakes, and I've also done things that I'm committed to never speaking about unless I can totally trust someone. I sometimes think I needed to start this journal as a vent, a pressure valve, that I can use to tell the truth about everything in mylife.

Is this dishonesty? I'm starting to fear it is. Anyway, being with this new woman has opened up my eyes to understanding that I have to be completely honest to make my time with her meaningful. When you're this close to someone, your inconsistencies become so much more obvious, and she's beginning to feel the strain. She's not sure about my intentions. Do I really care about her? Why do I withdraw sometimes? All these things are making her insecure, and not sure if she wants to continue being with me. She tells me she needs to protect herself, that she's been through this before.

Ah yes, so we talk it through, and then I find out just how much she cares about me. It frightens me, makes me happy, all at the same time.

But it's hard being with one person. Let's just say it's been a while. Of course, by reading through my journal, it doesn't mean I haven't met people, it doesn't mean I haven't been sexually active. It just means I haven't had to commited to one person in a long time. I was tempted yesterday. I was having drinks with some friends, a little birthday celebration. One of the women there began talking to me, very sweet. She's a lot older than I but I've felt drawn to her for some time now. Then last night there was M, who's withdrawn from me since I told her about my new flame, but melted my heart with one look across the bar.

Then there was the girl who casually picked me up at Clooney's a few weeks ago. I actually enjoyed talking with her, and promised that I would call her after she gave me her phone number. I just keeps happening lately. What the hell is going on? I noticed it a few weeks ago while walking down Valencia Street. It�s spring, I thought, and there�s some kind of mojo in the air. I�m leaving La Rondalla and heading south, and I pass one couple on the stairs of an old Edwardian, embracing. I spy another couple making out on some steps a half a block down and across the street.

I�m in a coffee shop now, and there�s this attractive woman across from me. She came in when I did, and I can�t help but occasionally glance in her direction. I think I caught her looking back a couple of times. Oh, please don�t think it�s just women. I got this strange feeling from my friend G, who I thought was back together with C, but has been dropping hints and hugs non-stop.

Oh, yes, this is what I�m dealing with.

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