Sorry for being away for a while, here are a few thoughts:

Pet peeve of the day: In San Francisco, having a washer and dryer is a privilege, finding one is good luck. You can do laudry almost any time, you don't have to lug it across or down a street. You can come back to your apartment and add an entry to your Diaryland blog, maybe watch TV.

With great prvilege comes great responsibility. You need to pick your shit up in a timely manner. Right now, there are three different loads in different states of completion, because idiots let their laundry sit in the washer or dryer for hours on end. And they complain bitterly if you move it on their behalf. Grrrrr...

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Plain and simple: my apartment is a disgusting messs.

Okay, now that I admitted that to myself, I'm finally taking some steps to clean it up. Sometimes I miss roommates. Losing the privacy is almost worth the help.

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Next admission: I'm horny. I know that's rather vulgar, but I've been thinking about intimacy a lot. It's been over a year since my last relationship, and now I feel I'm ready to try again.

The scary thing is that I'm scared. My breakup with V really messed me up, and the rebound thing I did din't help. I remember about a year ago, I sat across a coffee table from someone new, and the only thing I could think was "oh, my god, I just can't do this again. not again!"

I used to fee great joy in discovering someone new. Their histories, their quirks, learning new things and new ways of looking at the world. Now, I find it's easier just to live alone. Kind of scary.

But try again I must. I actually placed a Craigslist ad. I put alot out there, my bisexuality, my unusual relationship wth my cat, everything. I figured I should tryin getting that out ahead of time, rather than popping it out of nowhere later in the game. Believe it or not, two people have actually responded. Let's see where this takes us.

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With that admission put aside, I'm glad I finally decided to end my cat's diet. He'll never get as much food as he did before the diet, I am increasing his intake some. Perhaps he'll be willing to let me sleep past five in the morning now. I swear, he was driving me nuts. I didn't need an alarm since I started the diet. He'll start pawing at me and stare at me, unblinking, until I finally got out of bed and fed him. After a while I realized I was only re-inforcing his behavior, but I had no choice. Even after my dear girl was euthanized three month ago last Friday, I'm still not the dominant species in the house!

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Speaking of my old girl, I'm still wondering when I'll be ready to take in a new cat, to balance out my boy's energy. I realized I'm still not ready because I still think of the world in relation to the date she died. I spent some time thinking about her on Friday. I started to reconstruct that sad last day, looked at photographs I took that day - it's still hard to look at them, since I can see how uncomfortable she was. She must have been starving, she hadn't eaten a full meal in three days.

I needed to eat lunch to keep my strength up that day, but I couldn't get myself to eat in front of her, so I had lunch at the cafe across the street.

After I was done, I realized I needed to go home and give her one last chance to eat food. I set out some of her favorite food, and she still wouldn't eat. I let her sit in the sun until it began to fade late afternoon. That's when I called the vet's office and decided to take her in.

That's enough. I know I need to move on, but I'm beginning to realize that euthanasia creates a lot of guilt in a person. I was fortunate enough to attend a pet-loss support group at the SF SPCA, and it was really helpful. Guilt of some sort seems to be the primary problem in each person. Either the person felt guilty about letting their dog loose at a park, only to get hit by a car. One woman felt guilty because she didn't have enough money to give her cat the health care she wanted, which made her feel bad about career decisions she made years before. That was taking it a bit too far, in my opinion, but everyone feels guilty about something.

I have my own guilt, about not catching it sooner, though I have been reassured the end result would have been the same. I do great comfort in knowing that I took in a stray almost ten years ago, nursed her back to health, and made sure she was never hungry again, never was cold, and always felt love every night I came home from work. I feel great comfort in that.

music:

night life:

sex life: