Well, after spewing my soul last time, I decided to also confess to my new significant other. I had to give her the whole picture - my last relationship ending, my career angst, and last and not least, my father's serious illness and the possibility that I may be losing him sometime in the near future. It all happened at once, and like always, I plunged myself into the realm of the senses, excited about the possibility of new romance. Oh yeah, and then there's the sex. It's all like a drug to me, and I realized that I was numbing myself from some serious mid-life issues.

She was, at least on the surface, totally understanding. Of course, she focused on the ex more than I wanted her to, but she said she wanted to be a source of support during this time in my life, and we could take things slow if we liked.

Well, that was nice, and I'm hoping she meant it. I do need to take a trip to Los Angeles some time in the near future, which means we'll not be able to be together for a bit. Now that won't be easy, since we have so much fun together. Sunday was an almost perfect San Francisco day. Sleep in and wake up late. Make love, followed by a run in Golden Gate Park. Follow that up with lunch at Pier 23 and watching a movie (Must Love Dogs) at the Metreon, and you realize that San Francisco is an amazing place to fall in love.

So why the angst? Well, I'm hoping it's just a case of not having enough shared experience - yet. Going to the Metreon triggered memories of fun times with my ex. It was that stupid computerized display near the bathrooms. You know, that projected image by the bathrooms that changes shape and reacts when you step into it. It triggered a memory of the first time we went there together. She was demonstrating how it worked, I guess it was the second grade teacher in her. It was so cute.

And then there was the movie. It should be so bright and optimistic, about how heartbreak can lead to deeper love in the future. For some reason, I was relating more to the part where the couple shares their break-up experiences. I almost teared up when Diane Lane was talking about how once day her husband just stopped loving her.

Que sad.....but I'm dealing. I am bonding with this woman, but there's also anxiety. I recently reviewed my journal entries from last year, and I had so many other anxieties at the start of that last relationship. I just need to deal. I guess I'm stressed, which is why I'm pretty much working out every single day. Every day, and I wake up in the morning still stressed!

Monday, I ran 4 and half miles. Yesterday I tried to start swimming again, and boy was I out of practice. I'll run today, try swimming again tomorrow, and will try to do both on Friday. I'm just trying to deal. I guess that's how I lost 19 pounds last year. I gained quite a few back during my break-up. I think it's strange that I gain weight when I break up and lose weight when I'm in a relationship. Isn't it usually the other way around?

Oh, I guess sex is ultimately the motive. I always feel better about fucking when I'm thin. Keeping in good aerobic shape helps the stamina as well. Believe me, I've tried the before and after test.

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Oh, and on another note, I'm so sad about Nate dying on Six Feet Under. On a weird level, I really related to his character, which may reflect poorly on me, depending on how you feel about his actions. But I did. It really struck me when Maggie told him that if you treat life like a vending machine (inserting virtue and expecting happiness in return) that you'll feel disappointed. I always thought that Nate's main characteristic was that he tried to do the right thing, but was never happy with the results, which affected his two marriages. Anyway, I know the show is ending soon, which is probably a good thing. Most shows really have an effective five-year life span, and afterward, I think people start running out of ideas. I was always happy that the writers were so willing to take chances and expose us to some crazy, extreme emotional ranges in the characters.

music:

night life:

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