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2004-06-26 - 6:08 p.m.

Oh, what a week.

Well, I guess I wasn't quite satisfied with my life being as crazy as it is. I just felt the need to complicate it further.

I decided to reply to a craigslist posting. Only, instead of picking the M4M or even the casual encounters category, I chose W4M.

Well, so I saw an ad, and wrote to this person. I met her - she's higly intelligent, funny, attractive, and bisexual. It was amazing, she grew up near where I grew up, we have had many similar experiences, it's almost like we lived in parallel universes that finally collided.

So, I spent the night with her on Thursday. I find myself falling, but just a little apprehensive. I awoke Friday morning, the sun was pouring into her room. She had already been up for a while, and was reading. It just felt so natural, so right, being beside her, it was like we had been together for years.

Complications. She has a child, who's with her part time. She took off a bunch of time to watch the LGBT film festival with me this week, and we planned to spend more time together this weekend, but she got the dates wrong on her week of custody, and her daughter will be with her this weekend. It's too early for me to meet her. If it doesn't work out, she would probably be pretty confused.

Anyway, another complication - can I change my ways? She's not the only woman I've slept in - this week. Monday night, I was drinking at Clooney's when I saw someone, an acquaintance, pass by the bar. I followed her and called out to her. She was happy to see me, and asked if I'd walk her home. I don't even know her name, but I don't care. I go to her place, we chill out for a while, she feeds me, and later I find myself laying in bed with her, talking about stuff. We do some crystal, get horny, and she winds up dry humping me. I want to take it further, and I start wanting to unbutton her pants. She stops. I wind up calling my boss from her bed and calling out sick for the day. What a mess! I have a date with my new friend to see a movie later, so I go home, crash for a while, and can barely stay awake through the film.

I feel oddly detached from this, it was just another meaningless romp, without penetration, but I know I can't be doing this shit if I decide to start something with this woman. When she called me, I was at El Rio, sucking down oysters. I was bummed that I couldn't hang with her, but I have to admit that there was some relief as well. I partied until four this morning at my friend E's place, another little coke party that just kept going until his latest "friend" was ready to sleep with him.

What am I, if I'm not what I do. This is pride weekend, and I'm afraid to go out there right now. I'm not sure what I'll do, but I know I'll do it, and it'll define me. Contrary to my friend's beliefs, I'm not confused about my sexuality. I'm 100% sure of what I want. It just changes from hour to hour.

Well, then there's M. I'm trying to find the right time to tell her. A mutual friend is celebrating her birthday tonight. She'll probably be there. So I'll tell her tonight if I can.

I was talking with L, a young woman I know. She and her sister R are always wondering about the nature of my friendship with M. When she asked me if I'd been intimate with her the other night, I didn't have to answer. The expression on my face said it all. She tells me M looks at me sometimes, not just a look, but a look.

I know I can't ever love M. I mean, I love her, but I don't "love" her. She's a train wreck. It's like the Harry met Sally paradox. Can a man and woman ever truly be friends, just friends, and not lovers? I fear M and I proved that we couldn't.

Oh, well, all I know is there's a city on fire tonight. There's a party out there and I have to go to work.

0 comments so far

music:

i love the nightlife

night life:

see ya in the mish

sex life:

it's pride baby

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