Oh my god, I'm so scared.

It started sometime Saturday night. I realized I'm still carrying some serious baggage regarding my last relationship. Seeing V Saturday morning was the worst idea I could ever have had.

How can I still long for someone who treated me like shit for so long? She's accusing me of trying to hurt her, and I'm buying it all. I'm involved with a wonderful woman who really likes and cares about me, and here I am, wondering what it would be like to be back with someone like V. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Okay, I confessed it. The fucked up thing was that I thought I'd feel better, but I still don't. I still am ambivalent about this new relationshp, and I'm afraid it's going to be obvious really soon. I'm afraid it'll be obvious when I kiss her, when I have trouble looking into her eyes, I'm afraid she'll pick up on it sooner or later.

Maybe it was too soon to get back into a relationship. Is this just rebound? This woman represents so much of what I want, and I even feel have more in common with her than I did with V, but for some reason it's still there.

A friend once told me "You always want what you can't have," and now I'm really beginning to understand that that's true. How can I want to live in the past, when the past was so awful?

music:

night life:

sex life: