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2006-02-14 - 11:06 p.m.


Okay, so it's been a while....

What can I say? Happy fucked up Valentine's Day! My crappy commute pretty much sums it up - there was a fire in the underground portion of Muni tonight, and it seriously fucked up the entire system. Train after train was stuck, unable to enter the tunnel, so I had to get off in front of pier 25.

It didn't help that the weather's taken a serious turn for the worse. After a rather lovely week, almost spring-like, it's gotten suddenly cold and windy, and most of us weren't ready for it. I was able to get up to the Ferry building, and was surprised to see lots of fluffy white stuff floating around. Apparently, there had been a massive pillow fight the hour before.

I'm glad someone's having fun.

Muni was still fucked, so I was able to transfer to BART, and got up to sixteen street by around 8. Forget about cooking, I told myself, so I bought my favorite vegetarian combo plate from Truly Mediterranean and proceeded to consume it at home with a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck Chardonnay, after pulling up Annie Hall via On Demand. Happy Valentine's Day.

I also just finished High Fidelity. Loved it. I could relate to way too much of it - his ex was an attorney, so was mine. He was a pop music fanatic, so am I. Makes me how much I need to mature before I'm ready for the big one.

The big one. I realized that I still miss V, more than my recent ex. I just have way too many unresolved issues with her. I was so melancholy over the last few days, I new I just had to do something spectacularly stupid to break myself out of it.

After stocking up with weekly goods at Trader Joe's, I, on a whim, decided to do a "drive-by" to see my ex's old place. I drove up the hill, actually appreciating the beautiful view of the city. I got by her house, and was suprised to see her living room shades somewhat open. I couldn't see any signs of movement anywhere. The lights were also on in her kitchen, and the garage lights were on. Hmmm....lots of activity, but no movement. After gazing at her place for a few moments, perhaps hoping, just hoping for a glimpse of her, I decided to leave.

That's not the end of the stupidity. It gets much worse. I decided to make another pass by her house.

I rounded the corner, had to travel another two blocks, and I was approaching her place again. I was about fifty feet away, and I saw her garage door opening. "What the fuck!!!!" was all I could think. I tried backing up, but realized I had to go at least a two, three hundred feet to make it back to the corner, and the longer I waited, the more I knew she'd be backing up, out of her garage.

After hesitating way too long, I decided to zoom ahead. I passed her by, not even looking into her garage. I have a very unique, limited-edition car, so I was terrified that she'd recognize me. I drove as fast as I could, which was risky, since the streets in that area are very old, very steep, and very narrow. I turned the corner, and turned the next available corner, shut off my lights, and waited until she had passed.

Great, was all I could think. I've been reduced to stalking. I don't know why I did it, and I hope she didn't recognize me, because it might make her frightened, and as angry as I am at her, she doesn't deserve that.

What am I so angry about? I'll tell you. I'm angry because we were almost there. There being that magical place where people are ready to commit. I still remember one perfect day we had together, right before she panicked and dumped me for what I now recognize are bullshit reasons.

She was ready, and willing to let me into her life with her daughter. It started out well. Take the dog out for grooming, pick up her and her daughter, and take her to a birthday party. We got shooshed away from the party by her daughter, and I couldn't help but find it so ironic that I wasn't cool enough to be near her friends. I then took her mom to therapy, then we went out to Serramonte for a bubble drink before we went to see her daughter practice basketball with her team.

After that, we went out to dinner, and a movie. Robots, since it had to be a family type of movie. That was it. Probably not much to you, but it was a revolutionary experience for me. After all those years, I thought "fuck it," let's try this, this thing that has been frightening me my entire life, and guess what? It wasn't that horrible. Her daughter was sweet and fun, and I fell deeper in love with V than I ever thought possible.

I told her that too. I told her I thought she was wonderful in her worst moments - when she was overwhelmed at the gym, and couldn't see her daughter, as she was frantically waving at her. It was just an ordinary day, but it was so, so lovely, I couldn't believe that I was actually scared of ever taking something like this on.

Well, I accepted it, and got a taste, but then it was pulled away. I guess the awful realization was that, yes, this was her life, but she couldn't tolerate the idea of sharing it with me. She just so desperately wanted to be anything but what she really was - a single mother in Daly City and teacher in the San Francisco Unified School District, but that's what she was.

So now she's pursing some kind of "deeper" life pursuing one more new age trip after another, another desperate attempt to make her life more than it is. I mean, at what point do we stop trying to create a life, and start realizing that we are actually living it?

Okay, that's my piece for the night. There's more, much more I'm wanting to share. I promise to write more, really.

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music:

night life:

Annie Hall!

sex life:

On-line porn, anyone?

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