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2004-03-03 - 5:11 p.m.

I got stood up.

There, I said it. I admitted it to myself. It sucked. I felt like such a moron sitting in Zeitgeist, alone in a booth, staring out the window and waiting for the latest storm to sweep through the area.

Well, I wasn't totally stood up, After sitting there for 45 minutes, my cell phone went off. It was S. She already knew she did me wrong, but she just wanted to give me a call and act just a little dumb about it. I mean, she had just called me 8 or 9 hours before. She told me her friend was in town, and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. Sure, I said, completely excited at the fact she was willing to call at all. I went for an afternoon jog, and I had just a little more spring in my step than usual.

I think I told you all about her. She was the girl I met one night, we had a mutual friend, and we hit it off really well. My two friends and I were invited to her place for an all-night party. The morning after, J and I went to McD's for breakfast, and our friend D disappeared misteriously. A day or two later, I asked D where he disappeared to, and he told me he went back to her place. I've been struggling with myself, wondering if he was telling the truth, part jealous and part angry if he was playing some macho mind-game with me. Now I'm starting to think the latter. Still, later, my friend J asked me if I'd heard anything from her. Such drama. I don't need that stuff.

Anyway, she was the one who suggested Zeitgeist. I'd never been there before, and it was a trip. The juke-box had a bunch of "old" punk music and some alternative stuff, music you heard a lot in the city before they gave it that awful grunge name. It felt really weird, like hanging out at Haight Street Sushi Sundays over a dozen years ago.

Which was exactly the problem. There's that little age difference between S and I, and it became really obvious. I wasn't really mad at her. How could I be? I just thought she was being herself, flaky and a little irresponsible like a lot of people in their early 20's. Her friend arrived in town, was tired, and had other plans. She went along until she decided she'd better call me.

But that seems to be exactly the problem. Am I going through some kind of early mid-life crisis? What do I want with a girl so young? This is the second time this has happened in the last six months. Last time it was T. Beautiful, highly intelligent, and I thought we got along well, until she started backing away and acting flaky, like with the whole dog thing. I need a girl with a little depth and experience in her, and only time can make that happen. So where do I meet someone in my demographic?

I guess I should ask what do they see in me as well. I guess I'm nice, I listen to them, I act fairly maturely. I have a full-time job, live alone, and can take care of myself and my career. Maybe that's what attracts them, especially in comparison to all the guys who act like they only want one thing. SIlly me, I actually try to get to know them.

Anyway, need to work this out. I'm in the middle of yet another self-improvement project, trying to take better care of myself and lose some weight I've gained by being such a slug this fall and winter. The worst of the storm seems to be over, and I'm going to try a little afternoon run.

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