Ugh, took one little messy snort of coke and I can't seem to sleep. Last night, it wasn't a problem, but tonight I just don't feel ready to lay down.

I helped M clean up her bar and count her money. Then, it was off to the girls bathroom to do a couple of snorts. Silly me, I kinda made a mess of it, I could see some of it fall down and land on my jacket. That was cool. Now my nose and the top right of my mouth are numb and I have this lovely little post-nasal drip that seems to make everything taste nasty. The things we do for entertainment.

I totally fell in love with this darling kitten at the shelter today. He was pretty sick, though, sneezing big wet ones in every direction. He was a feral kitten, so he was really fearful of humans at some point, but not with me! He squirmed quite a bit, but seemed pretty comfortable with me.

I also had a chance to meet and cuddle with a beautiful chocolate lab puppy, one of ten! He was so loving - he kept nibbling on one of the buttons of my leather jacket, and licked my ear! I just loved him. His name was Folger - all of the puppies are named after brands of coffee. They're only six weeks old, so they're not quite ready for adoption.

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Wow, I started writing that last night, when the phone suddenly rang. It was 3 in the morning - usually a time for bad news - but I knew who it was the moment it rang.

"Hey..."

"What are you doing?"

"Holding my kitty."

It was M, and she felt like talking. Something I was hesitating to write about was that she made some casual comment about not being around anymore, I guess you could call it checking out. Why grow old, was her rationale. I told her I sometimes wondered the same thing. However, I usually realized that whenever I felt I had to go, it still wouldn't feel like the right time. There would always be something else left to do.

On the cab ride home, she twice asked me not to tell anyone about our conversation. Me, in my inebriated state, didn't think anything big about it, but now that she called me and asked me not to tell anyone about it for the third time, I knew something was up.

It seems she's tried to kill herself twice before, once slashing her wrists, another time with pills. I didn't get too deep into the details, but we just talked about the sadness that sometimes surrounds us, sometimes a little too deeply. She wasn't in the mood to hurt herself now, it was just something she said. We wound up talking for another two hours about stuff. She had so many wonderful stories about the "old days" in San Francisco. That is, the old gay San Francisco of the 1970s and 1980s, before AIDS, before the gentrification that drove so many lesbians out of my neighborhood, the old bars and the parties. She told me about Maude's. She went there as a teenager, along with her high school teacher sometime in the late 70s. What a seduction! I can't imagine anyone having the nerve of doing that today.

But those days are long gone. I finally got to bed around 5. I'm trying to chug coffee and get myself up, so I can stop by her place before I head out to the shelter again. Wish me luck.....

music:

night life:

sex life: